Wednesday, I went to a funeral. Wait, don't feel sad for me yet... It was a DOG funeral. I know, right!? Apparently, a well known animal shelter is a full service joint that offers funeral packages for your beloved pets. It is equipped with everything from upgradable caskets to a viewing room and burial ground.
So, I walk into this room that contains chairs, a flat screen T.V., and a little table. I look around and count how many peeps have come to see "the show."
As we all sit there quietly, I counted about 15 or so people in attendance. Everyone was dressed nicely and looked all sad and forlorn, but really? I think it was a look of shock because of the situation we'd all gotten ourselves into. There was an air of Kesha in Wonderland going on. I had a feeling that I followed the Killer Clown down the black hole and ended up in Steven King's, Pet Cemetery. As I slid to my destination of crazy, The Twilight Zone theme song was running in my head.
To start the services, there's a slide show presentation of the deceased and in the background someone playing the electric guitar in the key of elevator music. There is a lady that addresses the "crowd" and says, "At this time, I'll start the sharing portion and say a few things about Taxidermy (Stiff as a Board, for short. I know I'm wrong!)." This chick commences to talk about him and share that she had horses and how Taxidermy would lick the manure off her work boots when she came into the Booshie Beauties Salon. Uhhhh, gross!
***Why does that name sound familiar? Because this dog belongs to Carefree Diva, my hair stylist! Take a peek into her personality and click the salon name to get some backstory.***Now resuming....
Anyway, she continues on and do you know this chick starts CRYING while she was up there? Taxi (is this a more appropriate nickname?) wasn't even her dog!!!! Whatever! so, while she is talking, I have my phone out, video taping her speech. Being the good friend that I am, I am recording everything for Carefree Diva because she's a broke down mess at the front of the room. The whole time I'm thinking to myself, "How wrong would it be for me to Tweet or FB this right now? The world needs to know..."
Then, Carefree Diva looks to me and says, "Kesha? Would you like to say a few words?" WTH! I really hadn't planned on saying anything, but I manage to get something out.
"Taxi was like the mascot for the salon and he was a great watch dog. He had a Napoleon Complex being a Yorkie. I've spent plenty of late nights getting my hair did (I meant to type that). He wouldn't let anyone near Booshie Beauty Salon without us knowing. He was full of human like qualities and was the perfect companion for Carefree Diva. He will be missed."
The chick stood back up and said, "We will now have the viewing of the body." Do you think I walked up there and looked? How 'bout no, I did not! So, everyone else walks up to look at Taxi and offer condolences to Carefree Diva. I just sit next to her and watch the insanity take place.
The chick stands up again and says, "We are now going to have a processional over to Taxi's burial site. Just follow the golf cart over." I'm like whatever at this point. We all pile into our vehicles and drive the short distance to the cemetery. Everything is all ready for Taxi to be buried.
Once Taxi gets lowered into his hole in the ground, there's another moment for sharing. Then chick gets up and passes doggy treats to everyone so we can toss them on his casket, and Taxi's favorite chew toy is tossed in as well. Taxi was addicted to hairspray, so the chick had brought a can and we (looking like idiots) all gave a little spritz in the air. A poem was read and then they begin to cover him with dirt.
As I am standing there, I am thinking to myself, "What the HELL am i doing here? Who does this, for real?" I am feeling like a witch with a capital B because I have a dog. I just can't fathom myself spending what is probably an obscene amount of money to honor my dog in this way!
Sorry, Gingersnap. You can go one of two ways: 1) a trip to the vet when your epileptic episodes take over your brain and you can't function properly anymore or 2) if you go while the house it empty, I'm just gonna get a cardboard box and call the local animal shelter because I wanna go the cremation route. Will I be sad that you've passed? Of course! I'll even cry, but I'll be damned if I do all of this! I love you, but you are my dog, not my kid...
Let me just say this... If this is how you need to express your grief for your dead pet, by all means, fly your freak flag! I just wanted peeps to know that I thought this was very odd and that I would not be doing something like this for ANY of my pets. This was my 1st and only experience with this and I think I might have just earned my lifetime membership into the Freakin' Fantastic Friend Club. I'm just saying...