Guilty

I'm struggling, peeps...

This past weekend, I took Aiden to a birthday party. At this birthday party, I mingled with the Totally Mommy Club. I don't mean that in a bad way, at all. I am actually in awe of seeing how this club works.

Aiden being in the world has totally opened me up to meeting parents that are all about their children and I like that. I like seeing the 6 degrees of separation work. I like mingling in circles that overlap and expand my list of mommy friends. I like having children to invite to my son's birthday parties. It's cool being able to get the scoop on all the good sports to put Aiden into and where. It's really nice....

The reason I am struggling is because I didn't have that with Andrew and I feel like he missed out because I was a loser and gave birth to him at the age of 20. My group of friends weren't thinking about starting a family and marriage (yeah, in that order). For most of Andrew's life, he had only 1 friend. Thank goodness for my bestie and her having a little boy a week after I did. She and her son were like my lifesavers!

They were who we playdated with and invited to birthday parties. We didn't have anyone else who understood. My mindset wasn't about what the typical 20 year old thought about. The group of friends that I ran with in high school faded into the background because they weren't where I was in life. No fault of theirs. I just had to prioritize and they no longer took up the top 10 spots on my life list.

I, often times, feel like I've done Andrew a disservice. He spent a lot of time around adults and just hanging with me and Arik. Drew and I spent a lot of time growing up together and I think that it has affected our present day relationship; both positively and negatively. These past few years have been a struggle in so many ways, it's not even funny.

I know Drew is going through that transitional stage from tween to teen and that hormones get involved and muck everything up. I know that those hormones skew Drew's common sense, but I also feel like if he'd had a more kid-like, living on a cul-de-sac, playdates galore, me being a member of the Totally Mommy Club kinda childhood, he might be a little different. Perhaps some of the struggles that we deal with on the regular wouldn't be such struggles.

I don't know. Going to that birthday party made me feel guilty for how Drew was raised. I know this is an excuse, but I really didn't know any better. I was a kid raising my kid.... I really can't help but tear up a bit because I feel like I did something wrong in the way he was raised. I guess I still feel somewhat guilty...

It's really tough being a mom sometimes. My methods aren't conventional, but that's who I am; an unconventional, off the wall, sarcastic, blunt kind of person. And I wonder if what I have to offer is the best for my children...

So, I'm just thankful for the glimpse of the Totally Mommy Club. It's nice to see mommyhood from a different perspective. Seeing this club now doesn't solve my issue with Drew. I still don't have anyone that I can have playdates for Drew with; even more so now that my BFF and her family moved way out west. I just don't know anyone else that's my age and has a 12 year old. Drew is always getting the short end of the stick. We go to playdates, but usually he just ends up playing with the little kids or hanging around with the grown folks. I dunno, peeps, I just dunno.

I might have screwed up the first kid, but DAMN IT, I'll get closer to right with the 2nd one!