You come in contact with many people every single day. As much as you study their faces, you don't know who is kind, evil, disturbed, whatever. In today's society, we have learned to be extra cautious with everything you hold dear.
For me, every person I look at, I am automatically wary of. I can't help it. It stems from my childhood. Some years ago, I started getting broken memories of my life before the 4th grade. I truely have a hard time recalling anything before that time.
Here is what I do recall: I spent lots of time at my grandmother's house. She was a foster parent and there was always someone hanging out at her house.
It was at my grandmother's house that my innocence was stolen. I don't really remember a whole lot, but I do remember how I felt. I felt dirty and small. I felt like if I told, I would get in trouble. I felt like it was my fault this had happened.
I just told my parents a few years ago what I was remembering. I know who it was and some things that happened. My memories are just flashes. I don't remember more than a few seconds of different situations. It's probably for the best. I really had a hard time in high school. Junior/Senior year was when I started remembering things. It really made me question who I am as a person.
I know now that what happened was not my fault. I also know this is a piece that defines who I am today. I have forgiven myself and understand that I am not a bad person because this happened to me. On the flip side, I cannot forgive someone that can put a child in that situation. There is no way in hell!
Because of what happened to me, I am extra cautious with my own children; all children really. One thing I am required to do by law because I am a teacher it to report situations when I feel a student is in danger. I take that seriously. I treat my students like they are my own children. I want Andrew and Aiden to have advocates that protect them, too.
I have taken the proactive approach with Andrew. We talk about welcome and unwelcome touches. We talk about following directions unless they are directions that make your stomach do flip-flops. If that is the case, Drew knows to tell another adult he can trust or talk to me or Arik. I plan on taking tha same approach with Aiden.
It makes me sick to think there are people out there that do this sort of thing. I just can't understand it.
So, there's the story. I was molested as a young child. Why put this out there for the world to read? I want people to know that the body works in mysterious ways and that despite things that happen in the past, the future doesn't have to be solely defined by those things.
If it hadn't been for something in my mind blocking out this bit of history, I don't think things would have turned out as well as they did. My mind allowed me to start the healing process at a time when I could work through it and not want to kill myself.
Because of what happened to me, I valued myself so much more. Being myself was what I lived for. Doing what I liked and having standards when it came to my relationships. I wasn't into putting up with crap. I think out of this terrible situation developed my princess mentality. I deserved the best and didn't settle for anything less.
Wow, that was hard. Tomorrow's tidbit will be much lighter, promise. :-)