Tattered and Torn

Okay, crew. This past week was rough for me! I am doubting everything that is me....

Things got so bad in the house of Bradner last week that I was seriously contemplating sending my children to live with a relative. You think I'm joking....

I find it so hard to believe that for a living I can go to work and wrangle 21, 6/7 year old children for 7 hours/5 days a week, but when I come home, I can't control my 9 year old! We argue about everything - homework, chores, EVERYTHING!

I was at my breaking point and told Drew that if our family environment wasn't a place where he could grow and flourish, then I would take him to a house where that was possible... Lately, he hasn't been following any of my rules, not doing his schoolwork and exhibiting signs of disrespect at school.

Folks, I would do just about anything for my children - lie-yes, rob-yes, kill-NO, but I would severely beat someone up for them...This past week, I felt defeated.

In one ear, I am hearing my sister say that things have to change (and asking myself, "what MORE could I do?) and in the other ear I hear my husband saying that I am too hard on Andrew (translation - I'm not being a good parent)... All the while, Andrew is out in the garage with his bags packed. I just can't condone disrespect. A 9 year old has a place and it's where 9 year olds go. The mouthing back, carelessness, the blatant disregard for expectations. It was a bunch of words, but they were words that really put a crack in this family's foundation...

Just to be away, I jumped in the MV and drove to an empty parking lot and cried my eyes out. All the while talking to Noel and wondering, "when had I turned into such a horrible parent?" Obviously, it was something that I did that made Andrew not want to do his homework or obey rules and meet/exceed expectations.

Thursday forever changed the way that I will be with my children. Right now, I feel like I am not a good enough mother... I feel less than a woman... I feel kind of empty inside... I am thinking that perhaps I do need to send my children to a home that will provide a more nurturing atmosphere - Andrew so that the flaws I've instilled in him will be erased by more tender, loving, hands and Aiden so there won't be any flaws...

For right now, I have decided to let Arik do all the parenting until I can find myself. Besides, I feel guilty for reprimanding the boys for anything! I feel like there are people watching to find mistakes in the way I do things. I just don't want anyone to think that I'm too hard/harsh/mean/unkind/unrelenting/cold/disapproving (pick your adjective). It's not that I don't love them; I love them to pieces, like I said before, I would do just about anything for my boys.

My whole philosophy is that I teach the way I parent and parent the way that I teach. Those 21 kiddos that come into my room everyday get my whole heart, but I also have expectations and I feel they do a good job meeting those expectations. Why should I have any different for my sons? Maybe, that's where things are going wrong. Should I parent differently? Would that be hypocritical? I'm thinking apples and oranges, people... Thoughts, comments?

I really have to think about what was said, how I feel about what was said, and in what way I am going to let it affect me...

If you didn't follow this posting, sorry. This is how the thoughts are in my head. I type'em like I think'em...